Note to Self

Dear Self,

          You have been hurt, you have been broken... but you managed to pick up the pieces and made yourself whole again.  It was never easy, you struggled to keep yourself from drowning in sadness.  You had to force yourself to smile when all you wanted to do was cry.  The hurt you were feeling was so unbearable that at one point you just wanted the pain to go away.   

          But somehow in the middle of all the anger, the sadness, the pain and the anguish you were feeling you found the courage to face life again.  You were ready to forgive, but not to forget the lessons you learned.  You were willing to trust and love again.

     You found the courage to look pain in the eye and say, “You can hurt me, but you can never stop me from being happy again.”  

Courage, Dear Heart

Dear Heart,

     We have gone through so much over the past couple of years.

     You know my deepest secrets, and you're good at keeping them.

     You flutter with excitement whenever something good happens in my life.  You have been bruised and broken, and shared with my pain, you helped me hang on when I was on the verge of giving up. 

     You have kept me grounded during the times when I wanted to forget who I am.   You reminded me that hurting is not an excuse for me to make a fool of myself, and so I chose the high road.  

     Thank you for helping me weather the storms in my life.  A few years back, I thought I could never get out of the sadness, the emptiness, and the anger that consumed me.  I was shattered and broken, but somehow you've helped me pick up the pieces of my life again. 

     Even as I was silently hurting, you still beat for me every single day.  You reminded me of the things that matters most in my life.  

     Thank you for allowing me to feel how it is to be happy, to be sad, to be afraid, to be angry, to love, to hate and to forgive.  These emotions and more is part of what makes me human.

     Our journey is far from over.  There would still be battles to be fought, and we still have so many things ahead of us.  And as what Aslan whispered to Lucy in the book, I say to you my friend, "Courage, dear heart..." 

     There is nothing in this world that we can't face together...

         

Sun, Sea and Me...

I have been out of the blogging sphere for a very long time.  I keep telling myself I need to go back to writing, yet when I start to sit down and try to put my feelings into words, things just go blank.  I guess I just had a lot on my plate lately, and I needed to sort things out for myself as well.

The past weekend, I had the opportunity to break away from my usual routine and head off to Daanbantayan with hubby and the kids.  I knew that I needed time away from the busy city life and from being a psychiatric resident even just for one day.  Even the thought that I had my monthly visitor didn't dampen my mood.  I was looking forward to a day at the beach, enjoying the breeze and feeling the sand in my toes.

The sea has a calming effect on me.  Did I ever mention that I grew up in our ancestral home, with the beach at the back of the house?  I remember learning how to swim by being thrown by my uncle into the water.  I would try my best to swim like a dog until I reach the foot bridge.  My brothers and I had so many happy childhood memories spent in our backyard with the sea within our reach.  

I just love the feel of the salt sea air on my skin,  I could just sit down and stare into the ocean until the sun sets and the day is over.  I guess we all need time to escape from the worries of everyday life and just live our life the best way we know how.  That one day spent at the beach has helped me recharge and put a lot of things in perspective.  It made me realize that no matter how busy we all get, we must never sacrifice the things that we all hold close to our hearts.  Somehow, I finally decided to slowly go back into doing the things I used to do... Taking small steps one day at a time...

On painful memories...

Each of us have had our own share of painful memories.  But every person would have different ways of coping with them.  I used to harbor those painful memories in my heart, keeping them locked inside... But those painful memories have their way of eating you up and so I decided to drive them away...

I've realized though that the harder you try to forget a painful memory, the more it comes back to haunt you. So it's wiser to stop trying to forget  them.  I somehow learned to live with all the painful memories.  I have come to accept that I may have been hurt, but it does not mean that I can't be happy again.  A painful memory can turn into something beautiful if we only learn to find the meaning behind them.

So for now, learn to live with whatever painful memory it is that you have, but do not ever let the pain kill the person that you are.  Strive to be happy and live each day as if it were your last.

Above all, make new happy memories that you can  look back to.   If you have more happy memories in your heart, there would be no place for the painful memories to hurt you..

 

 

A Woman's Story

I seldom see you with a frown on your face.  You always manage to put on that happy smile.  But behind those smile lies a story that has never been told.  

That seemingly happy person you see on the outside, is silently screaming out in pain from within.  But she manages to suppress all the pain and the hurt inside her.

I have always believed that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.  At one point in our lives, we would all get bruised and broken from trials and challenges we would encounter.  But I guess the degree of pain would vary depending on what life decides to throw your way.  For example, the severity of pain for a  couple who  falls out of love and decides mutually to go their separate ways would be less severe compared to a woman finding out that the man he loves cheated on her.  Others would say that there is no point in comparison, because in both instances people get hurt either way,  But the degree of acceptance would be different, and of course the letting go and moving on part would be far more difficult for the latter situation.

This I realized when I heard this woman's story... that at one point in your life, when you feel pain, there is always suffering... and sadly it is never optional.  Her story is one that you hear often, she caught her husband cheating on her with a much younger woman.  If she had not told me, I would never have imagined that it could happen to her.  She looked like a person who never had a single problem in the world, but when she opened up to me, the pain in her voice almost brought me to tears.  I have never imagined a person going through so much pain and suffering, yet is still able to go about normally in her life.  Because she wants people to believe that things are normal between her and the husband, that is what she said.  I can feel that there is still anger when she talks about the incident, and she always gets anxious whenever her husband leaves home to go to work or somewhere with his friends.  She said it happened a long time ago, and that she had forgiven her husband for what he did.  I asked her then, if that is the case then why are you still suffering for the mistakes that you never did.  You were not unfaithful, you did not cheat on your husband, but here you are, broken from within.  She never got to answer.  

I have heard a lot of stories of women who suffered from failed relationships, abuse, and betrayal, some of them manage to come out of it stronger and more determined to go on with their lives, while others remain unsure of themselves, feeling insecure, broken and sadly others hold on to the pain.  Why do we suffer too much when we get hurt?  I guess because there is a part of us that blames ourselves for what happened.  So it is never enough to just forgive those who have wronged us.  Before the woman left I asked her to think about a few things starting with learning to forgive herself for allowing the husband to hurt her in the past, I guess that would be a good way to lessen the suffering she is in right now.  She nodded and we agreed on our next meeting, she stood up and bravely flashed that smile on her face.  

As she walked away, I see her smiling and talking with someone on her way out.  She was back to her "usual self", the happy person she wanted people to believe her to be... if they only knew of this woman's story...

What Are You Made Of?

It is said that the human body is made up of different types of cells which is also known as the building blocks of life.  We have shape and structure because of the bones and muscle tissues in our body.  We have a heart that pumps blood into our body and a brain that helps us with movement, coordination and executive functioning of other systems in our body.

But aside from the anatomic and physiological factors,  what are you really made of?  What defines your humanity?  That is something worth thinking about, right?

The values and lessons passed on to us by our parents and other persons who have influenced us, life changing experiences, failures, triumphs, happiness and heartbreaks... these are just some things that may answer the question above.

So I dared to sit down and think about my own person, what am I made of?  If the power puff girls were made of sugar and spice, and everything nice, I guess I would say that the lessons I learned from life has helped me to be the person that I am right now.  The heartaches and broken promises, the struggles and the sacrifices played a vital role in making me a much stronger person.  The realities I had to face when I finally stepped out of my comfort zone helped me appreciate that there is more to discover in life and that there are endless possibilities out there waiting to be discovered.

The thought that there is joy in simple things, that love conquers all, that happiness is always a choice and that with God all things are possible... I am made up of these beliefs and they play a big part in my humanity.

Indeed, humans are fragile creatures, but I know that there is more to us than just broken dreams and broken promises...

A Work in Progress

I have been on hiatus from blogging for quite some now... 2 months and 1 week to be exact.  I just had so many things going on and it overwhelmed me to the point where each day passed by in a blur.

The past months I felt like I was walking on thin ice and any moment I could just fall deep down in cold waters and sink into oblivion.  There were days when I wanted to just crawl into a ball and cry myself to sleep.  But most days I carry on with my life trying to be okay because I had to be for the sake of my loved ones.

  I thank God for work because it kept my mind from all the things I did not want to think about.  But sometimes the painful memories finds itself slowly into consciousness and I battle with myself every time the hurt sets in.

You may see me with a smile on my face, but behind those smiles is a woman who has gone through her worst nightmares but managed to wake up from it and face a brand new day.  

Things are much better now.  Everything is where they are supposed to be.  I thank the Lord for giving me the strength to face each day with a happy heart.  Of course there are bad days but I never let it get the best of me.

I have learned that every day is a work in progress.  That we should learn to live each day as it comes and try not to worry about what happens next. I too am a work in progress. There are times when I fall into the sadness spell, but I guess that is okay as long as I know how to snap out of it before it eats me up whole.

In summary, I guess no matter what you have been through, no matter how difficult things are right now.  I promise you, things will be okay.  You will be okay.  Believe me I have been there, and I can say that I am more than okay.

The Past

Every person has a painful past.

No matter how strong you appear on the outside.  

Even if you put on a happy face...

I know that deep inside your heart 

There is a part that silently bleeds in pain.

Sometimes we choose to hide the pain behind our smile...

We choose to go on with our lives and pretend 

That somehow, someday that pain would go away...

But no matter how we try to hide, 

We can never run away from the painful memories...

So instead of trying to get away from the past, 

Sometimes it might be best to accept everything that happened..

To learn to live with the past and try to move on for the future...

To let go and free ourselves from thinking about what might have been...

To one day look back at the past without feeling the pain in your heart.

..

We Got Inked

One of the many things on my bucket list is to get a tattoo.  And finally I was able to do that a week after my birthday.  My husband and I decided on getting a couple's tattoo and we initially wanted to have a Latin verse tattooed as an anklet but then our tattoo artist suggested to have it on the lateral aspect of our foot.  Which may I say was a more brilliant idea!

We were both feeling anxious and excited at the same time.  I knew it was going to be painful but surprisingly the pain was tolerable enough for me to even think of getting another one in the near future.

After our tattoo session, a bit painful but happy with the result.

Guess who's feet belongs to who, lol!!

Amor Vincit Omnia... indeed Love conquers all :)

Hopes for 2014

A few more hours and we would be saying goodbye to 2013... 

May we never forget the lessons that it taught us, 

and may we never forget the people 

that has touched our lives in countless ways... 

I pray that 2014 would be a better year for everyone. 

May we continue to be strong amidst all the challenges 

that might meet us along the way, 

may we continue to have faith and believe that everything will be ok, 

may we strive to do better and be better, 

may we never lose hope even if it seems that all else is lost, 

and may we always believe in the goodness of everyone 

and spread kindness and love to all. 

Happy New year!!

Handling The Blues

Today I felt really crappy.  Must be because I was not able to sleep well last night considering I was on 24 hours duty, or maybe because my hormones are acting up on me.  Good thing it's a local holiday so I was able to take the day off, head home and jump into bed.

One of my outlook in life is to always start your day on a positive note.  I always try to see the good side in everything.  But there are just days when the clouds seem to cover up the sunshine, and you feel really down and out.  I know you also have those days. 

But I am telling you that it's okay to feel sad sometimes, it's okay to feel down and out.  We are just humans and feeling those emotions are part of our humanity.  What matters is how we handle ourselves and how we face the "blues".

What do you do when you feel down?  Do you get on others nerves or do you shy away in a corner and be on your own until the sadness goes away?  I have my own little tricks to make the blues go away.  I sometimes go on long walks by myself to clear my head up, I put on my earphones and listen to music, be around happy people, I even try to sleep it off sometimes.  But one sure cure for me is to lift it all up to God in prayer.  I would sit in a corner at church and talk to Him about how I feel.  I don't pray for the sadness to go away, I just open up and somehow I know that when I walk out I would feel a little better.

Life is not all about the good things.  Sometimes we need to feel a little sadness to appreciate our life more.  I remember a quote which says, "When you feel sad, be a blessing to others instead."    So the next time you feel down, try not to focus on your sadness, but rather try to help out those who are in the same situation as you are.  Not only would you feel better, but you would help someone else feel better too.

Shaken

The earthquake that shook us on that Tuesday morning was one that I will never forget.  I remember waking up because our house was shaking like crazy and on instinct I carried my two kids immediately, my husband had to yank our daughter away from me as we headed outside.  

It lasted for a while, and during those seconds that the ground below me was shaking all that I could think of was that I was just thankful that I was home with my husband and kids.  It was all that mattered to me at that moment.  When the shaking stopped, I had to calm myself because I was trembling and I did not want my kids to see me terrified because that would scare them the more.  

The aftershocks that followed were strong so we opted to stay outside instead.  Some of our neighbors left our apartment complex immediately after the quake, but we could not leave because the road leading to the main highway was blocked because two buildings at the corner collapsed.

In the hours that followed, the effect of the quake shocked the entire nation.  It was sad to hear that there were over a hundred casualties and even more injured.  Churches destroyed, houses and buildings badly damaged in just a glimpse of an eye.  

Personally we were affected because the hospital were my husband has worked for more than 5 years was closed down because of the damages caused by the quake.  We don't really know what's going to happen next, we are just keeping our fingers crossed and hoping for the best.

As of writing, another earthquake shook us again at around 4:05 pm.  That is the 4th today with a magnitude of 5.2.  I guess most of us are pretty much shaken by everything that has happened this week.  I feel chills down my spine every time I remember the first quake that shook us last Tuesday, and I can't forget the scary sound coming from beneath the ground just like what you see in the movies. 

Believe it or not, despite this tragedy we still have so much to be thankful for.  I thank God that it happened on a holiday and the kids were not in school and most offices and business establishments were closed.  Imagine if it happened on a regular day, there would have been a lot more injured.  But I pray for all those who lost their loved ones, those who lost their homes and all those who were greatly affected by the quake.  We will get through this...

Here are some photos of the 7.2 magnitude earthquake that shook Bohol and Cebu last Tuesday, October 15, 2013.

The bell tower of the Basilica Minore del Sto. Niño was damaged

Properties damaged from the quake

These two establishments are located at the corner from where we live

As the earth continues to tremble beneath us, may you find comfort in God's words and I pray that wherever you are and whatever it is you are going through, let God hold you and keep you in His loving arms.

In Pursuit of Greater Things

It's another pay day.  I miss the times when I would go online to check whether my salary has been deposited into my account or wait in anticipation for a text telling me that "may sweldo na doc".  It may seem shallow,but for someone who has bills to pay and kids to feed and send to school, pay day is the most anticipated day of the month.

But sadly for me, my last pay day fell last June 26.  Ever since I resigned from my old job, I have been living on our savings and a little help from my father who loaned me money to cover up some expenses.  

To pursue my goal of going into residency training, I had to give up a good paying job.  A job that has helped us live comfortably for the past years.  But sometimes you have to give up one thing to achieve something bigger.  I must admit that it's not easy thinking about all the bills and the expenses piling up, but somehow God has a way of working things out.

I would tell myself that this is a small sacrifice compared to better things that are yet to come.  Tomorrow I would be having my Promotional Screening Board interview.  The final step before I officially  become a First Year Resident in the Behavioral Sciences Department.  

But this would only be the beginning of my four years training.  I would still have to go through in service exams, reportings, mortality and morbidity conferences, case presentation, and I still have to complete two research papers as part of training.  I have conditioned myself that I may have to occasionally give up attending some family events, going on vacations and other things that I have been used to doing in the past.

All these in my pursuit to being able to do great things for the greater good.

 Hoping for the best :)

Loving With Your Heart or Mind?

How do you love someone?  Do you follow the famous line which says, "I love you with all of my heart"? Or would you rather have someone tell you "I love you with all of my mind"?

When we initially  fall in love with someone, it is more "feelings based".  So we rely more on what our heart feels rather than on what our mind dictates.  The best part about loving and being in a relationship is usually during the early part.  It is during this phase where you only see the good side of the relationship.  It is also during these times that you both find out things you both like to do together, traits that you appreciate in each other, which would eventually help you both establish a bond that would help strengthen the relationship.

But the real challenge begins when you both discover more about each other.  When you find out things you never knew existed.  When you are both faced with difficult situations that test how you feel towards each other.  Most of the time, these situations may not only test your relationship, but your character as well.  I guess it is during these times when we would rather have our mind work over our heart.

 The heart who has experienced pain may not know what is right from wrong.  All it knows is that it is hurting and may not be able to make a rational decision.  The heart who has been given too much attention by another may eventually give in and forget that he already belongs to someone else. And the heart who is madly in love gives more than what is needed in a relationship leaving her with nothing for herself.  Oftentimes we do something based on how we feel, not realizing that we end up hurting others, or worse hurting ourselves in the end.

Our feelings falter from time to time, so when we love someone, we must commit not just our hearts but more importantly our minds into the relationship.  When we always keep in mind why we love someone, we learn to look beyond the hurt, the anger and the imperfections.

So when you love someone, love not just with your heart, but keep your mind in the equation as well.  This might help keep a lasting relationship or it just might save you from being in the wrong one.

Don't Hold On To Anger

"What would make you really angry?"  One of our consultants asked me that during an interview.  I honestly am not the kind of person who gets angry that easily, but when I do get angry it often takes a while for me to let go of the anger I am feeling.  

But through time I have realized that anger when kept inside can really  be bad not just to others but to yourself as well.  Holding on to anger is like putting up a wall between yourself and the people around you.  Anger can make you forget the person  that you are, and most often than not when we do something out of anger, we end up regretting what we did.

When someone or something has offended you, you have every right to feel angry... But don't let that anger settle in your heart.  Holding on to anger would bring you more harm than good.    Find the strength to let it go and focus on moving past that negative emotion.

When you hold on to anger, you end up hurting yourself more in the end.

How My Life Would Change In a few Days...

In a few days, I would be saying good bye to a work that I have come to love for the past three years and would be taking on a new adventure.

In a few days, I will be missing all the people I have worked with, and whom I have fondly called my friends.

In a few days, I would start to adjust to a new environment, a new routine, meet new faces and hopefully try my best to fit in.

In a few days, things will be different and it gets me really scared and nervous because I don't really know what's in store for me.

All I know is that in a few days, I will be on a journey towards something big... something that I know has a purpose and something that I was always meant to do.

Life would change for me in the next few days, but I know that it would be a good change.

I know I will be Okay...

Ready for a change...

Reality Check: We Can't Please Everybody...

Let me just say, that at last I finished my blog challenge!  It took me almost a 100 days to finish a 30-day blog challenge, how embarrassing!  But at least I made it until the last day so I guess that is an accomplishment in itself.

As much as I want to update my blog on a daily basis, reality is that I can't because of the many obligations that I have.  But I will do my best to post something each week. :)

Well, this was a week of realization of sorts.  I have realized that sometimes opportunities do come back and knock on your door for the second time.  Well it is really up to you if you want to give it another shot or let it pass, again!  But if you are wiser, I'd say better grab on it and never let go.  Take the risk, because it might be the last time that it would ever come your way.

Another realization is that no matter how we try to do good, or try to do what we feel is right, there will always be people who would be on the other side of the fence.  That is pretty normal of course, because as the old saying goes, "we can't please everyone".  But sometimes it still is hard to believe that these people do exist.  I guess we just have to live with the reality that no matter what we do, good or bad, criticisms would always just be around the corner.

So to sum it all up, I would say, do whatever you think is right for you.  Live your life according to what you know would make you happy, the people who truly loves you would be happy for you no matter what.

Just keeping it real...

The Death of a Dream

I have not been able to post anything on my blog for the past couple of days.  I don't have any excuse as it was my decision to go into a "blogging hiatus".  

A headline I read on a newspaper has caught my attention and has been bothering me ever since   "UP Student kills self over tuition", and beside that headline was a photo of  Kristel Tejada, 16 years old, freshman Behavioral Science student of UP Manila.  It saddened me to realize that while there are other students who would take their studies for granted, one would choose to end her life because her dreams of getting a college education was taken away from her.

News of her tragic death caused various protests among student leaders and militant groups, and has caused grief even to those who do not know her.  The university where she was enrolled has been criticized for their "no late payment policy" which was said to be the reason why she was forced to file a leave of absence for failure to pay for her tuition fees.  Her application for a student loan has also been denied because it was the middle of the semester.  These unfortunate circumstances must have pushed her to the edge and so decided to take away her life.  Ironically, days after her death, the said policy has been lifted but sadly it was too late for Kristel.

As much as I understand how important it is for any institution to have policies and guidelines, in my opinion being forced to take a leave from your classes over failure to pay for one's tuition is cruel and unfair.  For a person who has high hopes and dreams of getting a college degree to someday provide a better future for herself and her family, being deprived of the right to education must have been to painful to bear.

One columnist for a local newspaper wrote about Kristel's death, and on her article it seems to me that she was pointing out how the parents were in a way responsible for the death because of their financial situation and being unable to provide enough for the family.  I mean don't you think that is a bit unfair?  From what I've read, the parents even went as far as begging to the school officials, to no avail.  Yes, losing a job is a reality that we all should prepare for, but losing a child is something that we as parents will never be prepared for.  Not in this lifetime, not ever!

Quoting from the article, "The education of every child is the responsibility of the parent, not the state."  Yes I agree, but I think that it is also the state's obligation to make sure that those less privileged be given the equal opportunity to get a good college education, and that getting a good education would not just be a dream, but a reality.  Something they can look forward to and hope for.  I guess that is why we have state colleges and universities, so those students with limited finances or those coming from low income families can also enjoy the right to a good education.

Kristel's death is a tragic story.  But I hope that her death would not be in vain.  The university where she was enrolled are now looking into reforms in their enrollment policy.  Hopefully, the government would start to regulate tuition fee increases, and allocate more budgets for education.

I hope that your story, would not just be "another story".  I really hope that something good would come out of this tragedy, and that the lessons that your death taught us would not be forgotten,  May your soul rest in peace...

Day 6: Would you rather be Rich or Healthy?

I thought that this question was going to be an easy one, but I found myself staring at my keyboard for at least a minute before I actually got to start typing...

Who doesn't want to be rich?  There are so many things that you can do if you had the money, right?  You can travel, go shopping, or buy whatever stuff you like. If you were rich and would want to share your blessings, you can donate to charitable institutions, send kids to school, or even have your own charity to help the less fortunate.

I would be a hypocrite if I say I don't want to be rich.  But between being rich and being healthy, I choose to be healthy.  Money can buy you anything, except for good health.  But being healthy is a wealth in itself.  As long as I am healthy, I would be able to enjoy my life with my loved ones, accomplish things, do whatever it is that I want to do and live a full and rich life. ♥

Day 5: If you could rid the world of one thing, what would it be?

"This is a crazy world we live in."  I hear that all the time.  It's scary that in this present time, violence is pretty much all over the place.  Crimes against women and children. wars among nations, in schools there are stories of bullying, and abuse in all its forms can even occur at home.

If I could rid the world of one thing, it would be Violence.  I hope that someday, we would all live in a world where violence does not exist, and we can all feel safe again...